1 year in remission-The best advice I have received in the past 12months

12 months ago today I met with my oncologist for the results of my PET scan and the scan was clear meaning I was officially in remission.  I cried all day.  I literally couldn't get my head around the whole thing and looking back now I can see it was not just physically traumatic but also emotionally traumatic.

I am surrounded by amazing people and I have had some fantastic pieces of advice over the past 12 months.  Today, as I reflect on the past year I am sharing some of the best advice I have had and who it came from.  I am bound to forget someone-I have had brilliant advice constantly over the past 12 months and often I recall something that someone has said to me but these are things that I have screenshot because they have been particularly pertinent at the time.  I received amazing advice and support on my blog posts about my journey and I can't read through the comments without crying.  

I find it very hard to talk about some of the feelings and confusions I have, even to my best friends and my parents because I feel, 12 months later I should be over it.  But it's really really really hard to move on.  Every day I wonder if there will ever be a day I don't think about it.  I find myself thinking stupid things, for example I was sat in the dentist chair on Monday thinking 'if my kids ever have to have braces they're getting the train track ones because at least they work quickly' (I have had my incognito braces on for over 2 years now) and then it hits me, like a curtain dropping at the end of a theatre performance that I will never have my own children.

Sometimes I feel like I am doing really well and sometimes I know I am wallowing.  I feel like I am living but not living.  I feel empty and lonely.  Only sometimes though.  Most of the time I am pretty normal (although James my assistant would probably disagree)

So I hope this post helps to focus my thoughts and help make a better Stacey.

So this is the SMS I received from Nick my old boss after I told him I was in remission 12 months ago today.  This is how I should have been feeling instead of drowning in my own tears.

We have a thing for hashtags!  Regular readers will know what am impact Nick had on my life (and still does) and so of course we would expect some gems from him.  We also have a thing for quotes-we love them!

I sms'd him earlier this week with this:

I am a chronic self doubter.  I know that about myself.  This isn't related specifically to cancer of course but I know it's something I need to work on.

I have loads of brilliant soundbites from Nick that I draw on regularly but one of my favourites recently was something he told me to watch online.  I highly recommend you take 20 minutes out of your day to have a look at this LINK

It's a brilliant and thought provoking speech and I am actively inputting actions from Amy's presentation into my daily office routine.  The night Nick sent that to me I was in Cairo after a particularly rough day and it completely lifted me.

One of the most impactful things Nick ever said to me was one night at our famed (but highly secretive) Tuesday Clubs. It was just me and him there and I can't remember the whole context of the conversation but he said to me 'don't waste time worrying over things that are out of your control'. It's so simple yet so true.

Talking of bosses, my old boss from the UK Andrew gave me some really good advice when I was first diagnosed.  I felt like I was under a lot of pressure to make decisions about my future there and then, especially with being an expat and I remember having a conversation with Andrew where he basically said this to me.

Andrew advised me not to make any life changing decisions for 12 months and he was right, I have been far too emotional to make any significant life decisions-its not even a case of my heart ruling my head, it would have been a case of my head and heart being on a complete rollercoaster where I couldn't make a sensible decision.

Here are some other quotes I have seen (mainly on instagram) that have been relevant and thought provoking over the past 12 months.

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Source-Brittany Burgunder

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My friend Laura (thelauracarlson) does a snapchat daily from the Truthbomb cards that she was given as a gift.  I screenshot a couple that I thought were really inspirational.  I've just found out there is a Truthbomb app so I have just downloaded it so I can have my own daily Truthbomb!

When Mike and I did our Route 66 road trip in July seeing this on the road in Arizona really hit home with me.  I really want to live like this!

I don't really go into detail about how I feel about the last 12 months with anyone anymore but I did have a conversation with one of my best friends Steph earlier this week about moving on and this was her advice to me.

I have a core group of girls that I love so much and speak to almost daily-Dani, Hannah, Steph, Sylvia, Tasha, Vanessa and I know deep down if I really did want to talk to them, or my mum about my thoughts and feelings about this I could.  I may not always talk about my feelings but I take inspiration and strength from the way these girls live their lives-even if I don't tell them often enough. 

Having Danielle my best friend in Dubai recently was incredibly therapeutic.  I took two days off work and I spent them with Dani and Toral lying by the pool at the Jumeirah Beach Hotel.  We talked non stop about anything and everything and I was able to talk freely, face to face to actual humans about some of the emotions I have been feeling.  It really helped and I felt refreshed and 'lighter' after talking to them, as if some of the weight on my shoulders had evaporated.  Dani and I have been friends for more than 10 years and below is the best advice she has ever given me about self respect.  It's metaphorical of course but it's absolutely something that sticks in my head and has changed me as a person and the way I react to the bad behaviour of other people. 

Of course I have to feature James my assistant. Going back 12 months to this day he could tell something was wrong.

It was such good advice from a 24 year old and I have really treasured his words.  He is of course completely right and I absolutely need to switch to manual.  And I need to do it now.

And if all else fails, I will just rely on this advice to get me through life.

I've said it frequently but if you have followed my journey over the past 14 months thank you.  Being an expat can be lonely but through the power of social media there has always been someone there whenever I have felt low.  There has always been someone online, someone to chat to and someone to say 'you're doing great'.  Mike can't understand why I am forever glued to my phone but to me it's more of a lifeline than he can ever understand.

I spoke very honestly about not feeling lucky about my early diagnosis but I genuinely do feel lucky now.  I have turned that corner to know that the whole thing could have been so so much worse and I have indeed been incredibly lucky.

We have no plans for today and if I hadn't posted about this I don't imagine anyone would have remembered-this is not a criticism, this is a date that is only relevant and pertinent to me.  I talked about this to Steph yesterday morning-everyone has dates that are huge to them yet insignificant in the world around them.  The day their baby was conceived, their diagnosis day, the day they started their new job, the day they met their partner, their surgery day, their remission day.  We should celebrate them all.

Don't forget girls-cervical cancer is so preventable!!  If you're over 25 and overdue your smear test/PAP smear/cervical screening please book an appointment today.  If you're under 25 and not eligible for a smear but have symptoms of pain during or after sex, abnormal discharge or bleeding between periods go to your doctor and have a chat with them.

I would love to know what the best piece of advice you have ever received is?

Personal: Cancer 6 months on

Six months ago today I was diagnosed with cervical cancer.  Luckily it was a relatively early stage but it was a complete and utter shock.  From the diagnosis to major surgery was just 14 days, which went by in a blur of hospital appointments, scans, putting a brave face on and staying sane which I did remarkably well.  'Surgery is the only opinion' my surgeon said. 'We need to physically remove the tumours, attacking it with chemo and radiotherapy won't cut it'.

And so I had the surgery, recovered, had a clear PET scan and was told to go and get on with life. Albeit with regular check ups of various kinds. 

And largely that's what I have done.  I returned to work at the end of October and spent four weeks in the office which was horrendous at first but got easier every day.  I then had a month off in December, taking all my annual leave in one go.  And now it's 2015 and a new start and a new leaf and all that.

And my cancer nightmare is over as quickly as it began.  At Christmas no one spoke of it in my family.  And now, probably only two of my friends who I speak to daily (via whatsapp of course as they are in the UK) could tell you that I still think about my diagnosis every single day.  Multiple times a day.  I am presuming that this will lessen over time.  I'm not in any way depressed and I am completely fully functioning mentally and dare I say 'normal' but I still think about it constantly. What happened to me and God forbid would could have happened, how much worse it could have been.

In my office there was another lady who also had Cancer.  Stomach cancer.  She was a South African lady who worked in Compliance and I didn't know her very well even though we worked on the same floor.  We never bonded over coffee in the pantry over our illnesses or anything like that.  We both just got on with it I guess.

When I went back to work on Jan 4th I learned she had passed away on the 28th December.  Finding that out really affected me and I felt crushed and scared.  How dare it kill her?  

Cancer is a bastard.  We all know that.  I bet if you're reading this you have lost someone close to you, or know someone who is unwell with cancer. 

Anyway the point of this post is to reach out and try to gain some knowledge, experience and understanding from others ladies on a situation that has arisen for me.

When I had my surgery I had to have a hysterectomy as well as lymph node removal.  My surgeon kept my ovaries although part of me wishes he didn't (although that's another story) but they were moved up into my abdomen.  But I have no other reproductive organs left now so it would be impossible to ever carry a baby.

As far as I am aware I am still producing eggs unless, as is common despite having my ovaries I have gone through the menopause in the last six months following my surgery.  And I am not entirely sure I haven't to be honest.   I've had various symptoms that would be classed as 'menopausal' but they could equally just have been routine and part of post surgery recovery.

At 34 now I will admit that having children wasn't top of my agenda.  I love my job and my partner has two children from his first marriage so it has never been a subject we have pushed or felt pressured by.  His children are 17 and 15, one is great and seems accepting of the situation but well, the other is a 17 year old girl who seemingly hates me.  I am not part of their lives, they're not part of mine.  We live 3500 miles away and I have met his son once despite the fact Mike and I have been together almost 12 years.  

I digress.  However, I'd always assumed I would be a mum.  It's just one of those things people do right?  And I always thought I had loads of time.

To have a family now I have two options-adoption or surrogacy.  And that's the point of this post. I have spoken to my doctor who says my eggs in theory should still be ok and I could think about freezing them and using a surrogate.  Actually the first thing he asked me when he diagnosed me was 'do you want children?  But I was unprepared for the enormity of the next statement he made which was 'I think you have cervical cancer'.  

14 days later the tumours and lymph nodes had been removed but I wasn't able to have children.  

Perhaps Mike and I should have taken our time at that point and discussed all of our available options.  But all I could focus on was 'I have Cancer, get it the fuck out of me' 

At the weekend I had a chat with my doctor and he said the egg freezing process couldn't be done in Dubai but he said he referred a lot of people to a clinic in the Czech Republic.  To be honest I would want it done in the UK if anywhere.  I've spoken only to two people about this so far who have sort of said 'why not, it would give you options in the future'.  But when I broached the subject with Mike I think he was quite shocked.  He has said he is open to adoption but I think I sort of floored him with this idea.

And obviously, it would be a costly process and a waste of money if I never used them or the process doesn't work.  Could I really put myself through the agony of defrosting an egg and being desperate  for it to fertilize and then being told it hadn't worked?  It costs around £30,000 to freeze 70 eggs-yes that seems like lots of eggs I know when you only need one but I guess the theory is the more you have saved the higher chance of a hit.  I also understand that the NHS will consider these cases in cancer patients where fertility is affected and of course that is me but having lived in Dubai for 10 years I am not sure I would qualify (or deserve it but that's another ethical dilemma).

I am sure all of you with children reading this couldn't imagine life without them.  Whilst I may not be ga-ga over babies (although my new niece is absolute perfection) I get terribly upset of the thought of me being the end of the line.  That sounds a bit narcissistic which I don't mean it to.  What I mean is not having children to leave a legacy to.  Why do I work so hard, why save money if there is no one to benefit from it?  Not being able to mould a person and reap the benefits.  Too see the world through their eyes.  Not having the relationship now that I have with my mum with a child of my own.  I know motherhood is hard.  Hardest job in the world but I know there are also many moments of sheer joy and utter delight.  I worry about becoming old because I don't have young people around me to keep me young.  I worry about being lonely.

Whilst I understand this is a very niche topic I would love to hear from anyone who has chosen to freeze their eggs.  About their experience, good or bad or ugly. 

I am all for having options but I am the kind of person who likes to know details and have a good idea what to expect.  Success rates.  Cost.  Pain factor.  Legal implications.  

When I was home at Xmas someone told me that 'you being a mum obviously wasn't meant to be' and it truly upset me at the time.  Maybe they're right, if everything happens for a reason maybe I accept it and move on.

I guess it's a situation that I never imagined I would ever be in.  And now I feel I might have options, albeit slightly limited ones but I don't know enough about it (at the moment) to make an informed decision.  Of course I will be doing lots of research myself but any personal experiences or even opinions would be gratefully received.

The bottom line is, I am here and I am doing well.  I have amazing family and friends.  I love my job.  I love the people I surround myself with on a daily basis.  I just need to figure out if there is a new avenue to explore in terms of my future.

I understand this post is a bit heavy and that people do come here to read about beauty and tomorrow I will be back to that I promise!

If you would like to learn more about cervical cancer you can visit Jo's Trust or you can read about my whole journey here