Personal: Cancer, 1 year on

If you're a regular reader of my blog you'll know I am currently on holiday in the States and I am having an amazing trip.  We have two days left before we fly back to Dubai and I am laden with half of Sephora and an extra case!  I took the above picture during our road trip-it felt really poignant and struck a chord with me.

What some of you also may know is that exactly one year ago today I was diagnosed with cancer.  Whilst I don't want to do a very long, deep post here I do want to acknowledge the fact that it is the first anniversary of my diagnosis.

Although I am in remission I have found it difficult to move on.  Although I am back to 'normal' I think about cancer an insane amount of times per day.  Way more than I would ever be comfortable admitting to anyone.  I said in April that I felt lost and I still feel not only lost but loss too.  I know that some people think I had it 'easy' with my cancer as I only had to have surgery and no chemo or radiotherapy and whilst there is no denying that those undergoing chemo and radio have a tougher journey than I did, I lost the ability to ever have a family and that is taking some coming to terms with.  I am at the age where I get asked (very) frequently if I have kids.  Life without choice is difficult. 

I find I get snappy and stressed quite easily these days and I lose my temper quickly.  I have gained more than 20lbs since my surgery through comfort eating.  I miss my boss Nick who moved back to the UK in April and the impact he had on my day to day life. I am not the best version of myself.  I feel like coming through cancer should have made me a better person, not a worse one.

Over the last 12 months I have made some amazing additional friends and my friends, parents, colleagues and Mike (plus an amazing surgeon and oncologist) have got me to where I am today-for that I am very grateful.  I'm also really really good at just getting on with things.

But twelve months has now passed and I need to start taking steps to move on.  I just need to work out what they are.